Dear closed door,
Oh, how I’ve scorned you.
I have walked the path of hope time and time again only to find you at the end. There were moments I politely knocked, while other times I clenched my fist and pounded so hard it hurt. There were other seasons I just stood and stared at you in silence, disengaging rather than surrendering.
How does the Christian cling to hope when she faces you time and time again?
I’ve scorned the power you’ve held, causing me to doubt God’s Story… leading me to find my identity in you… burying me in shame. Why do unresolved plans cause us to believe His Story isn’t good? Isn’t purposeful? Why do we define ourselves by unraveled dreams that quench courage so desperately needed for tomorrow? And why are we ashamed of the mystery? Ashamed of circumstances beyond our control?
I’ve dreamed and planned and prepared and trusted. And my goodness, it’s been all about me.
“Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders…” ¹
As much as I’ve hated you, you’ve been one of my greatest teachers, revealing goodness I had been blind to and uncovering lessons I fiercely needed to learn: Community. Humility. Surrender. A God Bigger Than Human Comprehension.
Community. Oh, how you’ve made me want to seek solitude that turns into a destructive place. But I have felt the warmth of silent friends who’ve had no answers yet stood beside me in grief. I’ve looked into their eyes, deep with shared confusion, yet brave enough to lament and not dismiss my pain. My God has used you to remind me of my need for others.
Humility. We dance between pride and insecurity throughout the seasons of our lives. The same root sin takes on both faces as we react to losing control, as the rhythm becomes more than we can bear. But through you, I have learned to not think less of myself, but to think of myself less. ²
Surrender. My Maker is using you to find my position in His Story. You’ve reminded me I exist for God’s purposes rather than He for mine. You’ve taught me to read and pursue His plan rather than screaming the fragmented story I’ve tried so hard to publish. God has quieted me and brought me more peace than I could have ever imagined on the other side of you. I’ve even heard Him singing over me from this side of the door. ³
A God Bigger Than Human Comprehension. I find deep comfort in knowing the One I’m trusting with my present and future – and even my past – is beyond what I can understand, nor is He limited by what I can control. Indeed, His thoughts and ways and wisdom and purposes are higher. Every time.
Even when another door didn’t open, even when all I had was you – shut and locked and bolted – I held these lessons of grace tightly. And while I’m a dreamer and always looking forward, you have disciplined me to open my eyes, and turn my ears, and even uncover my heart to experience the beauty of what’s around me in the present moment.
My enemy tried to inflate and escalate you, intending to bring me harm, but my Rescuer used you for good.
Redemption is always His way.
Sincerely,
Christan
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. – Isaiah 55:8-9
¹ “Oceans”, Hillsong United
² “…The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” Timothy Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness
³ Zephaniah 3:17 – The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Christan Perona has been married to J.D. for almost 24 years, and they have two teenagers, Clayton and Kharis. She is from New Jersey but has made St. Louis her home for the past two decades. She loves mornings, coffee, studying, walking in the woods, and Jesus. Her happy place is wherever her family and dog are. Christan is the Director of Admissions and Communications at Central Christian School and in July will begin serving as Head of School.
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Stooping For Manna 
Thank you for rich & vulnerable sharing. I too have lamented those closed doors, letting my imagination run wild with what might have been, rather than focusing fully on what is, grateful for the abounding blessings that already exist. It’s important, as you say, to trust the God who controls our lives and our opportunities or lack of them as we might perceive lack. And I choose to wait for God one day to say to me, “See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.” And then, will I have the courage to walk across that threshold? I pray so. Thank you, Christan!
Lynn
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