All Tucked In

I creep into his room with a pile of clean laundry, and see him lying there, way past bedtime, under the covers but far from sleep. I’m exhausted and want desperately to be off the clock, but something about his expression tells me to wait.

I stand there and notice how he looks out of place on the bottom bunk, with limbs hanging off and his growing body quickly filling the space meant for a boy. I realize it’s been a while since I’ve seen him in his bed at night. When did the “tucking in” stop… and why? I don’t remember, but it saddens me.

“Hi bud. Can’t sleep?” I say as I kneel beside his low bunk. Instinctively, I start to straighten and pull covers tighter around him, but he subtly pushes back and undoes my work … and it feels like a rejection.

“No.” He gives a half-smile, but I can see the battle of adolesence raging behind his eyes, inside that deep-feeling soul of his.

I hate how strangely awkward I feel at his bedside while manhood is breathing down his neck. Everything seems suddenly foreign to me: his voice, his scent, my role.

“What’s wrong? Wanna talk?” I stretch my neck a bit, trying to gain eye-contact.

“Nothing. Nope”, he says, still staring at the ceiling. I struggle to read his tone. It’s not angry or sad, but definitely not happy or easy. It’s some sort of restlessness to which I can’t quite relate. This mystery reminds me that he’s on his way to a place I’ll never fully understand. He and I are parting ways… and I hate the space growing between us.

Desperate to fill the void, I stumble through some small-talk; asking about what’s in store for his classes the next day, reminding him of our plans for the weekend… like we’re strangers. Even my voice sounds strange and too high-pitched. Like a woman in a man-cave; out-of-place and uncomfortable. Perhaps, even unwelcome.

He’s polite, but I can tell he’s not really listening; eyes glazed, his reactions not quite matching my words. A concoction of emotions bubble up and gain a voice inside of me: insecurity, sadness, longing, regret, worry. Does he want me to go? Stay? Am I holding him back? Pushing him too far? Am I nurturing enough? Too much? Panic tightens my chest and I want to run away. What’s kind of mother am I?

Even though he’s not listening to my jabbering, Someone must be monitoring my soul, because his hot hand reaches out from under the pillow. I grab it like it’s a lifeline and the whispers of doubt seem unable to cross. The pause prompts me to turn to my Father and invite Him in, and I’m brave enough to allow for silence while I beg, wordlessly, for guidance.

I lean in to wrap my arm across his chest; careful to not constrict; leaving him some space. With this slight leaning-in, comes a bit of clarity…

“Do you remember that poem-thing that we used to say at bedtime… when you were little?” I ask. The low tones of my voice are back, and I feel more grounded. I look him in the eye, and he crinkles his brow, looking five again.

I rest my head on the bones that protect his heart and say:

I love you when you’re happy; I love you when you’re sad.
I love you when you’re good; I love you when you’re bad.
Mom and Dad love you all the time.
And always will.
But who loves you more?

At the last line, I lean back just enough to catch his reaction, willing him to remember… needing him to.

His voice cracks, “Jesus.” He turns to look at me and something within me breaks. “I remember that. Love you, Mom. Good night.”

As I leave his room, I realize that now, during this stage, he needs to be tucked in more than ever. I vow to do better at holding on to some comforting routines of childhood so that he has something to grip while on this roller-coaster ride to manhood. I pray for him … and for me.

I peek in a couple of minutes later. He’s sprawled out, still not asleep, but more relaxed. Like always, he has one foot kicked out and is breathing deeply.

He notices me in the doorway and gives a small wave, “Thanks, Mom.” It’s too late in the night and too complicated a season for many words, but I unwrap what he gives me:

Thanks for tucking me in.
Thanks for remembering that poem.
Thanks for letting me push away from boyhood, while not yet expecting me be a man.
Thanks for being willing to change with me; for adjusting to my new needs.  
Thanks for wrapping me tight with blankets of unconditional love and security even when I didn’t know I needed them. 

I crawl into my own bed as my mother-heart whispers a prayerful response:

Good night, son. Once your wild soul settles a bit, things will be easier. Just remember that the answer tonight, and always, is “Jesus”… 

… so that no matter where you’re headed, you’ll be able to sleep like a baby. 


 

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13 thoughts on “All Tucked In

  1. Lynn Morrissey November 11, 2014 / 8:09 pm

    Gorgeous, Karen….and oh so generous, filled with love…..and space for growth.

    Like

  2. Linda Farley November 12, 2014 / 4:38 am

    Karen, thanks for putting into words all that has been rolling around in my head and my heart lately. So glad we can walk together through this journey of parenting!

    Like

  3. Beth Willis Miller November 12, 2014 / 11:45 am

    Oh, wow, tears are flowing non-stop…your heart-felt words unveil my heart for our son, thank you for sharing such a tender moment…will share with my loved ones ❤️

    Like

  4. Angie November 12, 2014 / 11:48 am

    Thanks for sharing this lovely post, visiting from Holley Gerth's LinkUp party, have a great day! 🙂

    Like

  5. Meredith Bernard November 12, 2014 / 11:56 am

    I’m in a puddle of tears here this morning, Karen. This is just so beautiful, as always. You took me down the road several years and as much as I want my boy to grow, I really don’t want to go to this place, but I know it’s inevitable. Praying I can have the wisdom to lead him into manhood with as much grace and love as you have with your son. Love you, Karen. ❤

    Like

  6. Candace Creates November 12, 2014 / 12:58 pm

    Tears filled my eyes with every word of this, Karen. My son is just on the cusp of this transition and you have put such beautiful words to my feelings. Thank you!

    Like

  7. eternityinourhearts November 12, 2014 / 1:14 pm

    This is so lovely, Karen. I have a 12-year-old, and your words remind me of the times when, like you, I cry out for wisdom. Thanks for sharing with us how the Father provided guidance and a bridge of comfort & grace. You have a beautiful site – I'm happy to find you through Meredith's link-up.
    Blessings, Renee

    Like

  8. Kristin Taylor November 12, 2014 / 2:23 pm

    My boy is turning 5 in a couple weeks, but I want to remember this. I want to remember to help bridge that gap between boyhood and manhood with the wisdom God gives me. Such a beautiful post, Karen. I'm glad you linked up at my place today.

    Like

  9. Susan Shipe November 12, 2014 / 2:24 pm

    This sure takes me back 30-odd years. I could cry thinking about it. Beautifully written and you expressed the heart of “the Mom of a boy” so perfectly.

    Like

  10. blestbutstrest November 12, 2014 / 4:54 pm

    I shouldn't have been reading this at work. Now I'm fighting tears! How beautiful–thank you for sharing. It's so hard to know what role our kids need from us as they grow and mature.

    Like

  11. strainme November 13, 2014 / 6:19 pm

    You just made me cry! Yes, we seem to think they need us less as they get older, but they really need us more. Maybe in different ways, but more.

    Like

  12. Loralee November 14, 2014 / 5:19 am

    So beautiful.
    Love the little poem.
    Thank you for writing.

    Like

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