“Of Pain, Brokenness, and Love”
I will let these snippets of journal entries tell part of my story. It’s choppy. It’s not a story with great ebb and flow. It’s life. This is me and this is raw.
May 27, 2011
Yesterday had to be one of the worst days of my life. From 6 pm-8 am, I had a migraine. The pain was unbelievable. Light, sound, movement, and touch all made my head worse. It was really awful.
My right eye was in so much pain. I could not function at all. I almost threw up twice. I had a hot pad on my stomach and a hot pad on my eye. I had to get up at 2 this morning to eat several crackers, so I could keep everything in my stomach down. I had to eat because I was so hungry, it hurt.
Every time I got up, pain lanced through my head like a sword. Pain would shoot up my neck and my eyes could only look certain ways. Let’s just say again: it was awful.
So basically, this whole day I have been put on bed rest. I haven’t done hardly anything all day. I just want to be a normal person. However, I know that God has given me these headaches/migraines for a reason, and I can’t complain about them., no matter how much it hurts.
I don’t know how God will use this pain, but He will. That’s for sure.
I am quite depressed because once again, I had a migraine today. That’s three migraines in one week ! I am so sick of sitting in pain unable to do anything about it. I’m tired of them coming and my not being able to function or even talk to friends. I just want them to end.
The pain is unbelievable and I don’t think I can take much more of it. I just wish with all my heart that I could be normal and I could live a life without so much pain. God is in control.
January 27, 2012
Sick again and I had to leave camp early. That was kind of sad, but I was not going ot make it through the weekend.
I got a little discouraged today. My headaches are a constant companion. I feel like my body is addicted to pain. I literally don’t know what it’s like to be without it.
This year has been really tough like that. So many health issues, so much time spent in bed! Spent alone. I feel so vulnerable and incapable. I feel so small. Sometimes, it’s fun to smile when it hurts. Other times it’s tiring.
Sometimes, I try to hide my weakness, but sometimes the pain is so great–I can’t help but frown. Sometimes, I just want to cry because the pain is always there.
Then I was reading in Colossians 4 and after I was done, it hit me. “Sierra, why are you complaining? You have no reason to.” I have a good home, a wonderful family, close friends. I have a Savior, a reason to live.
“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving” Colossians 4:2
July 17, 2012
I have failed so much in the last several days. I mean, so much. I haven’t trusted God’s plan for my health. I’ve been discontent when I’m in pain. I haven’t worked as hard I could be, nor as joyfully. I haven’t desired to do my devotions. I’ve done them, but I haven’t desired them.
I have honestly and truly been a terrible person. I have truly dishonored my Creator.
July 28, 2012
The pain bears down on me so hard and most people in my life will ever understand the emotional and physical strain in my life. But this single strain in my life also cuases me to grow closer to God and depend on His strength for the breaths in my life.
I am still experiencing pain, but around mid-summer I met Ben Fedorko.
July 30, 2013
This afternoon, Ben wrote to me and asked if he could write to me once a week every week this fall. I could have said no, but I couldn’t stop smiling when I read it. I said yes.
I would love to hear from him and also write him. My heart really doesn’t belong to anyone. I’d love to get to know him more. It’s exciting, really. Building a friendship always is.
I slept through most of today. My body was just struggling to make it. I felt like throwing up, my headache was painful, and I was sore from therapy. It just hurt like crazy! Anyway, my body was in and out of sleep all day. God kept me encouraged and finally eased the pain. I am thankful to be going to work tomorrow.
Pain and weakness changes your life, but the lessons you learn are priceless. I hope one day that I can live without it, but I know that I’ll live without it in heaven! The waiting isn’t so bad after you realize that!
Being with Ben is like knowing who I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like part of me just knows. And in two years, I can see myself married, if it’s God’s will of course! I really hope it’s him.
February 10, 2014
I found a lump on my body this weekend. it scared me so much that my hands were shaking. It turned out to be nothing to worry about, but I have been having so many problems that I really got scared.
I called Ben, because there was the huge probability that I’d go to Urgent Care. When he heard, he replied “Let’s pray.” And he prayed and gave me no reason to worry. His response was just what I needed.
April 29, 2014
Yesterday, I experienced the lowest of lows in my ongoing health battle. A twenty-four hour migraine complete with twelve rounds of throwing up! My heart didn’t even have the strength to be discouraged.
I simply hung on to the truth that “Life is a Vapor”. Pain can only last so long, even the worst of it can be relieved–even if it means death. And death may be the sails. There were moments that I felt relief would never come and my end was coming soon.
The doctor asked me questions, examined me, and then in the most calm, reassuring way diagnosed my months and months of severe pain. Just like that, the months of waiting were over. The lump is a hernia and at least a bulk of my pain is caused by that.
December 23, 2014
I said YES! So this became the best Christmas Eve’s Eve that I have ever had. I am thrilled to be marrying Ben in May!
February 1, 2015
I tried on my wedding dress today and it’s wonderful. I feel so beautiful in it.
March 31, 2015
One day, I’m going to regret not having written in my journal more. My first primary care doctor’s appointment happened on March 3rd! It was orginally scheduled for March 9th, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease! And more importantly, God is sovereign!
I had a series of appointments followed by gallons of red tape, followed by desparate prayers, followed by joyful tears as my surgery was appoved in a matter of mere hours! Thursday morning at 9 am, I will have this long-awaited surgery.
I am praising Christ and so secure in His love and guidance for my life. El Roi. El Roi. El Roi.
Cloud Nine is still definitely here! I had my surgery on April 2nd. God is still doing miracles every day, and He chose to do one for me!
I am feeling much better today than I have in many days. I was pretty sick and out of it for a long while, but I’ve come back each day a little stronger.
I can laugh and sneeze with hardly any pain. Healing is an unreal experience. Truly. I am still amazed at this great work of God – perfectly planned before the wedding. I’ll be a new woman.
Forty-three days left until the wedding. It’s getting more real.
I am feeling my body physically heal and I just can’t define this wondrous experience. It is so worth the wait. And El Roi… He gets all the glory for all of this beautiful recovery. The God who sees!
A week ago I married Ben–the love of my life. We had a beautiful wedding day. Trying to try the ribbons together in the wind was hilarious, and we sealed that traditional ceremony with a high five. We kissed and he scooped me up in the process. There was much laughter and it was beautiful.
Then we walked with the energy of a newly married couple out to the desert where the sun was setting just perfectly. Ben picked me up and spun me in circles. It was the most magical moment with just us two. Hard times will come, but on that day, we relished in the simplicity of this married love that we are nurturing.
September 10, 2015
There is recurring pain from my surgery, still daily headaches and sometimes even migraines. And though it can be quite discouraging, much of the time it isn’t as disheartening for me.
God has given me a husband who encourages me along this ever-pressing trial. I have found that even in the Valley, there are so many joys.
Pain will be my trouble for as long as I can see. But if I’m not broken before Christ, I’ll be miserable. With God’s perfect love and Ben’s patient love for me, I know I’ll have comfort on this long journey. I’m honestly thrilled that this is my story.
So another day of pain, another day of brokenness, and another day of love, this is my story and it continues on—-
In El Roi’s care,
I am 20 years old, recently married and learning how to cook awesome meals for my husband. I have failed several times on that account. 🙂 Can we say over-seasoned?!
I am working to publish my first book and I blog over at Down Cottonwood Lane. I seek to use my written words to exhort and encourage women along this very tangled, very joyous journey of life.
I am God’s child constantly being humbled, convicted, and forgiven. To God be all the glory!
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